孤注一掷获得成功后的虚幻的巨大的满足感，这种满足感来的迅速且刺激，让自己觉得我的前半生所有不堪和屈辱在赢的这一刻将全部抹去，让我深刻的感受到长久缺失的掌控感。我不知道这是不是我太需要这种强大的完全自我掌控的，翻云覆雨的久违感受呢？十年经历所造成的心理打击，导致自己多年迷失在失败，长期对自己失望的幻象之中，从来没有想过如此实现了自我价值这么痛快过。其实这么些年遭遇的对于像我一样有着黑化偏激心理的人过往都铭刻于心所得验证出的便是，任何别人给予的远不如自己铤而走险争取来得踏实。
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